Why might people be afraid of sex, which is one of the most fundamental human drives, and potentially one of the most rewarding?I think there are many reasons, some obvious, some not quite so obvious. Most fundamentally, it’s important for a man or woman to be able to trust the opposite sex sufficiently to become as intimate as one needs to be to have sexual intercourse.
Now, of course, it’s possible to have sex without feeling any emotional connection to your partner. I’d assume that’s the basis of most transactions between clients and sex workers. For many men, this probably represents an extremely convenient way of having sex, without actually having to form any emotional relationship or risk intimacy and closeness with another person.
Lack of Trust
And why might somebody be lacking in trust? Of course, this usually comes down to childhood experience. When somebody has been treated in a way that diminishes their trust in other people, particularly as a vulnerable child, it can be hard for them to re-establish trust later in life, and form a deep, meaningful relationship. And because sex is one of the things where we most expose ourselves to people, this can be one of the hardest things of all for people who have been abused in some way to get over.
Sex is naturally anxiety provoking. You expose yourself at a deep level to another person, and all of us have a deep fear of being judged, not unreasonably, since most of us are judged all the time, every day in life; and sex is a place where one is most vulnerable and the judgments can be harshest.
For example, despite the so-called liberation of women over the past few decades, most of us still operate to the standard whereby men are expected to take the lead and initiate during sex, and often to be responsible in some way for the woman’s pleasure as well.
Under such pressure, a man may well feel he is likely to be judged adversely for failing to measure up in some way. That might be as commonplace a concern as penis size, it might be a concern around premature ejaculation, it might be a concern around attractiveness or ability to bring his partner to orgasm.
The problem is, in part, that these fears are never voiced openly, and communication between partners is often lacking in any kind of relationship, let alone a sexual one.
What’s ironic, too, is the fact that most women are probably just as fearful of being judged by their male partner — breast size, bodily appearance, smells, tastes, ability to please the man … all of these things, and more, represent a woman’s fears that are equivalent to the man’s fears around penis size and sexual competence.
But it is rather easier for a woman in a sexual situation to be passive and simply accept the man, who by his very nature does need to take a more active role in penetration and thrusting. For this reason, perhaps combined with the comments I made above about a lack of trust, many men will find it extremely difficult to avoid anxiety at the thought of sex, no matter how excited they are.
And here’s another problem: that very anxiety around sex and all that it implies can itself be a cause of premature ejaculation. You can see how a man might come to fear sex because his anxiety makes him ejaculate quickly. No doubt, fearing a fast ejaculation, a man may actually be so anxious that he does indeed ejaculate much more quickly, thereby compounding a vicious circle of expectation, anxiety, and outcome.
For women, anxiety can be a barrier to reaching orgasm; indeed, this is true also for men.
There’s a condition called delayed ejaculation, whereby men find it difficult or perhaps even impossible to ejaculate during sexual intercourse with their partner. Although this seems very different on the surface to premature ejaculation, I do see it as a parallel to premature ejaculation, in the sense that it’s entirely possible for anxiety to inhibit the process of becoming sexually aroused.
Ironic, perhaps, that the same emotion can cause rapid ejaculation and delayed ejaculation, but clearly the mechanism through which anxiety manifests during sexual activity can be different in different individuals. I’d say that premature ejaculation was about three times as common as delayed ejaculation, but in a sense both conditions represent the outcome of sexual anxiety.
I’ve written extensively on methods to overcome PE or premature ejaculation; I also have some information on how to overcome delayed ejaculation. You can see a series of videos on the subject here. Links to these videos: Porn and delayed ejaculation Causes of delayed ejaculation Treatment of delayed ejaculation Definition of delayed ejaculation.
Curing Delayed Ejaculation and Overcoming Fear Of Sex
Essentially, the key for curing the condition is to alleviate anxiety and become more relaxed and confident during sexual activity.
There’s also a certain element of self-discipline required in the sense that while the temptation may be to give way to instinctual desire and reach orgasm as quickly as possible, men with PE need to exert some self restraint and actually engage with the techniques that can help them to last longer during intercourse.
These would range from vaginal acclimatization, in which the man enters his partner and remains still for as long as it takes for his excitement to lessen, to sensate focus, in which a couple engage in intimate physical connection, so that they establish a meaningful emotional connection before intercourse begins.
This seems to have the effect of making the experience more emotionally satisfying, but also somehow more stable and balanced, so that extremes of arousal are unlikely to happen, and the man may be able to last longer.