For anybody who’s got a problem with sex, whatever form that takes – be it premature ejaculation in men, or erectile dysfunction, to conditions due to anxiety and anger, or lack of libido, low sex drive, anorgasmia, or dyspareunia in females – the answer is always to plunge into your fear and explore those things that frighten you.
Now I know that’s easy to say, particularly sitting here writing on the Internet, where words of wisdom come cheap and experiences sometimes harder to determine, but I can tell you that I’ve been right there in this place myself.
I spent the first 30 years my life of terrified of sex – both before and after puberty – and I was a virgin until I was 32… And for a woman in the society, that’s to say westernized liberal society, you have to admit that’s quite an achievement, perhaps matched only by the 40-year-old virgin of legend.
As you can see, however, from this article in psychology today, being a 40-year-old virgin is not in any way shape or form an amusing experience for anybody.
Forty years ago, older virgins were considered curiosities, but by the mid-1980s, sex therapists began reporting a steady trickle of clients over age 25, about three-quarters of them men, who had never had sex with anyone other than themselves. (Many had tried sex workers, but most said that “didn’t count” because commercial sex wasn’t “real” sex, and they’d never had “real” relationships.) By the 1990s, it was clear that a surprisingly large number of people were still involuntarily virgins at age 25, but the true prevalence of older virginity remained a mystery.
That began to change with the 2009 publication of a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Using data from the National Survey of Family Growth, the researchers tracked sexual abstinence among 2,469 men and 5,120 women age 25 to 45, and found that 122 of the men (5 percent) and 104 of the women (2 percent) said they’d never had partner sex. Now some abstinence might be voluntary, Catholic priests and nuns, or others who affirmatively opt for celibacy. But it’s safe to say that most–probably the vast majority–of older virginity is involuntary. I interviewed one 47-year-old virgin man who called it “my shame, my terrible handicap.”
Fortunately, there’s help for older virgins, surrogate partner therapy. In fact, today, a substantial proportion of surrogate partners’ clients are older virgin men.
Now you’ll note that one of the things that is prevalent here, or at least particularly obvious, is the social inadequacy and inexperience of people who are virgins at the age of well, let’s say 30 or upwards.
This isn’t surprising, for those of you who actually live in a state of fear will understand totally how implausible and improbable the idea of experiencing sexual relationships with another person can seem at times. Well, most of the time actually….
I’m not poking fun in any way shape or form at people who have this problem – dammit, I was there myself for a long time, and I know exactly what it’s like.
My breakthrough came by experiencing partner surrogate sex therapy, and I recommend it to anybody who’s in the same situation as myself.
Of course, in general, problems with sexuality like this come from the fact the intimacy and social ability – social skills, to be blunt – have never developed in the way that they should have done, often because of a repressive environment during childhood.
But that’s not really the point – the point is that for anybody in this situation, the shame and embarrassment of actually being in a community where sex is regarded as the currency of social interaction, while at the same time being unable to engage in sex, or perhaps even in intimacy, can be crippling and shameful experience.
As I said, I started my journey back to recovery by engaging in partner therapy – engaging a sex surrogate to have intercourse with me for money, but against a background of therapeutic holding and support. To experience powerful orgasms and female ejaculation (squirting) is truly a massive breakthrough for me…. until I squirted, I had no idea how powerful the female orgasm could be…
So much so, believe it or not, the I’m now fully orgasmic, and I actually orgasm during intercourse with my boyfriend, who is very skilled lover.It was, without doubt, one of the most terrifying and frightening things that I’ve ever done in my life, but it did produce a massive breakthrough in terms my ability to engage with the opposite sex, and indeed my journey back to the normal expression of my sexuality.
Considering that only 10 to 15% women actually achieve virginal orgasm during intercourse, and considering that a mere 10 years ago I was absolutely frozen at the thought of sex, this is something wonderful and well deserving of celebration – at least in my humble opinion! LOL!
By the way, as one of the advantages, or side-effects, if you prefer becoming fully orgasmic through virginal intercourse is the wonderful experience of female ejaculation. This is where fluid is injected from glands surrounding the urethra, often very forcibly, and can be a highly arousing experience for both the woman and her boyfriend or husband.